The Very Secret Journals: Attack of the Clones
by The Lady Bri
Summary: The Very Secret Journals of the characters of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. Style inspired by Cassie Claire. Everything else by George Lucas and way too much time to kill. And sugar.
1. The Secret Journal of Yoda

Day One  
  
Cane was stolen. Upset I am over this. Windu claims I must have misplaced it. mmph Misplace things, I do not.  
  
Day Two  
  
Found cane. Tell smart ass Windu, I will not. Nothing worse there is, when right he is. Not true this is, worse when pretty boy Kenobi is right. Hot poodoo he thinks he is now that he has grown beard.  
  
Day Three  
  
Cereal flakes I saw in Kenobi's beard. Did not tell him. Walked around all day with them there, I think he did. Ha!  
  
Day Four  
  
Assassination attempt on Senator Amidala was made. Very distressing this is. Knew there would there would be trouble, I did. Whenever she comes, some sort of big hooha follows. Fear I will be too busy in the next few days. Miss All My Jawas, I will likely do.  
  
A meeting, Chancellor Palpatine wants to hold. Want to go, I do not. Scored tickets to Wookie Smackdown I have. Miss it, I do not want to.  
  
Day Five  
  
Boring, the meeting was. Think that Chancellor just wanted to show off swivelly chair thing, I do.  
  
Padme, padme, padme... Always about her it is. Investigation she wishes. Doubt she will get one, I do not. Why no one will look for the cane theif, I do not know.  
  
Missed Wookie smackdown, I did. Pissed, I am  
  
Day Six  
  
Another assassination attempt made. Getting old, this is.  
  
Day Seven  
  
Sent Kenobi off to track down assassinator of assassin. Redundant that is. Putting out a wanted poster, better idea. Laughed at me, Windu did. Laugh will he later when he sees his bed is short-sheeted, I wonder.  
  
Day Eight  
  
On my nerves, Windu is getting. Stop staring at Kenobi soaking wet on hologram, he would not. Get laid, he needs to.  
  
Day Nine  
  
What Fett is cooking, smell I do not. Why he was chosen to be source of clones, I do not get. Clones. Told, we were not. Perhaps missed a memo, we did.  
  
Day Ten  
  
Missing, Kenobi's apprentice is. Throwing a fit, Kenobi is. Seen this coming, I did. Leave them alone, we should not have. Pretty politician and pretty boy junior no supervision ... Draw you a diagram, I will not.  
  
Day Eleven  
  
Now missing is Kenobi. Annoyed, I am. Missed All My Jawas for the last time have I. Will lay smackdown on the source then give Pretty Boy and Pretty Boy Jr. Force Wedgies. Bite me, Jedi Code can.  
  
Day Twelve  
  
Riding I am, with massive clone army. Kidding I was not about smackdown. Will stop and pick up Krispy Kreme I will and send ahead Windu, will I. More sugar for me.  
  
Day Thirteen.  
  
Sugar sugar sugar! Force, I do not need. Massive amounts of glazed dough much better.  
  
Day Fourteen  
  
Turned to the dark side, has old apprentice. Stolen my donuts, he has. Laid smackdown have I. Miss All My Jawas, dismiss will I. Wookie Smackdown, also forgive can I. Touch my donuts, no one does.  
  
Day Fifteen  
  
Missing again Kenobi's apprentice is again. Only one with a brain I sometimes think I am.  
  
Cereal flakes in Kenobi's beard there still are.  
  
Started this Clone War has.  
  
Day off I need.


	2. The Secret Journal of Anakin Skywalker

Day One

Why does my master insist on lecturing me and eating at the same time? Doesn't he know he gets cereal flakes all over the place and including his beard? It's very distracting.

Day Two

Padme is coming to Corsucant tomorrow. Hooray! I will have to think of a better line than 'Are you an angel.' Hopefully, my manly Jedi self will be enough to win her over. I'll show her my lightsaber. Maybe I that /I will impress Padme.

On the negative, am having bad dreams.

Day Three

People are trying to kill Padme again. At least this time I am tall enough to see over the dashboard to thwart her enemies. Why people trying to kill her, I'll never guess. She's so cute!

Day Four

Master Yoda has been stalking through the halls muttering something about Wookies. For the life of me, I can't figure out why.

Day Five.

Chancellor Palpatine has a cool swivelly chair thing. I want a cool swivelly chair thing!

Padme is even hotter than the last time I saw her. I mean, damn! Would give right arm for a piece of that!

Am now having even worse dreams. No longer are they scary visions of my mother's gruesome death, but of Yoda, Wookies, and sugar glaze. I don't think I will ever sleep again.

Day Six

Master is being an enormous prick. Maybe he's just cranky cause Yoda keeps laughing at him over the cereal flakes and today he left a wash out conditioner in his hair. Still, that doesn't give him the right to take it all out on me. I was just trying to be helpful... Okay fine, I was trying to impress Padme, but that doesn't mean he has to be a jerk about it. Just because he can't find a girl doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer

later

Some equally hot chick tried to kill Padme. Okay, she was only hot until she got caught. Then she just lost it. Some dude in a jet pack, maybe ex boyfriend stopped me from getting her phone number. That was so rude.

Note to self: Get jet pack. Maybe that will impress Padme.

Day Seven

I get to escort Padme back home and act as her bodyguard and crap! Whoo hoo! Master did not seemed thrilled with this idea. I think he's jealous.

Day Eight

Padme has a cool planet. She talked about water so much I thought she wanted to go swimming, but no. Then we sorta made out! Take that Master 'I Have Crappy Personal Hygiene'! Whoo hoo! Great, now I won't be able to sleep.

Met her family. Sister very annoying, but equally hot. To distract myself, got into force food fight with Padme. I wonder if that impressed her.

Day Nine

We had to go to Tatooine. Maybe if I rescue my mom from slavery that will impress Padme.

Day Ten

I don't want to talk about today. Lost chance to impress Padme in a very hurting way. On the plus side, after seeing me weeping like a baby-man over unspeakable loss and tantrum, she got a little touchy feely. Go me.

Day Eleven

Idiot master managed to get himself captured. Council wants me to stay her. Unlikely. Padme wants to go and maybe if I rescue master, that will impress her.

Day Twelve

I don't think getting my ass whipped by ugly bug people impressed Padme.

Day Thirteen

Kicked ass today. Look out, separatist bastardos! Bad Ass Jedi on board. I think perhaps Master Windu's constant rejections finally led him to snap. He got a little overzealous in the ass kicking. He needs to get laid.

Dooku tried to take Yoda's donuts. Man, that was a mistake. You do not touch Yoda's donuts. Even I know that. I wonder if my common sense will impress Padme.

On the downside, lost right arm.

Day Fifteen

I take that back. Giving right arm really did get me a piece of that. Take that, master!


	3. The Secret Journal of R2D2

Day One  
  
Very sad today. Part of ship that I was dating got blown up today when decoy got off the ship. Why does this keep happening?  
  
Day Two  
  
Okay, who's the wise guy who stuffed a cane into my circuitry? Come on!  
  
Day Three  
  
I get to act as bodyguard and crap for Padme. Whoo hoo!  
  
Day Four  
  
Upstart Jedi and master of Upstart Jedi stole my thunder. I was all ready to throw down with the droid thingie that tried to help kill Padme, but nooo! They had to get all pro-active and throw me into the background. Hmmph!  
  
Day Five  
  
Am quite miffed today. Little green booger man mistook me for a trashcan and threw day old donuts into my circuitry. Will swear revenge. Have scrambled his recording frequencies so that instead of taping All My Jawas, he will get Martha Hutt! Ha!  
  
Day Six  
  
I got in to see Wookie Smackdown. Apparently there was an opening because someone didn't show! Met a very nice microwave. Got her phone number. Whoo hoo!  
  
Day Seven  
  
Am going to Naboo with Padme and Upstart Jedi. Am very glad Pretty Boy will not be going to. He keeps dropping crumbs on me.  
  
Day Eight  
  
I do not care for Padme's family. Small children kept trying to shove quarters into me. I'm not a gumball machine, dammit!  
  
Day Nine  
  
This week keeps getting worse and worse. We went to Tatooine again and lo and behold, there was that prissy little protocol droid from last time. At least he had the decency to get some coverings on. He spent the whole day hitting on me. Explained to him am dating a very nice microwave from Alderaan, but nooo...  
  
Day Ten  
  
I want to go home. I keep getting sand in my circuitry. Prissy protocol droid offered to 'help' clean it out for me. Am getting close to having had it...  
  
Day Eleven  
  
Pretty Boy master has been captured. Here comes R2 to save the day!  
  
Day Twelve  
  
Why did prissy protocol droid have to come, too? Really? He kept trying to impress me with jokes about machines creating. Have had it. Pushed him off ledge. Whoo hoo!  
  
Day Thirteen  
  
Oh for the love of... Now the entire Jedi Order went and stole my thunder! I was all ready to save Padme and the Upstart Duo when the big grumpy guy with the purple lightsaber busted in. He seemed awfully tense. I think he needs to get laid. Then equally grumpy old guy pitched a fit and stole donuts from little green booger man. That was a mistake. You don't steal donuts from the little green booger man.  
  
Felt left out of the action. I did save Prissy though, but just to impress the microwave.  
  
Day Fourteen  
  
I now regret saving Prissy. He spent the whole day fawning over me calling me 'His Hero'.  
  
Day Fifteen  
  
Have been invited to wedding. Took microwave. Stuffed Prissy into storage container. It's been a good day.


	4. The Secret Journal of Count Dooku

Day One

Yoda has taken the last donut with sprinkles again. Have had it.

Day Two

Have been approached by aging politician type with lucrative new job offer. I don't know if I'll take it considering the dental plan sucks.

Day Three

Have decided to take up new job. Free donuts. Whoo hoo!

Day Four

Have decided to change name on the advice of new master on account of Dooku is striking fear in the hearts of no one. Am still recovering from other Jedi referring to me Master Dorku. Will swear revenge.

Day 200

Now remember why I was in such a damn hurry to take the trials. Being an apprentice sucks Bantha balls. Kill this. Threaten that. Pick up my dry cleaning. He only has one robe, dammit it. Why not buy more? It's not like dark flowing robes are hard to come by!

Day 345

Have been ordered to recruit buff bounty hunter for the raising of massive clone army. My suggestion for using foxy former padawan went unheeded.

Day 400

Bounty hunter seemed very open to the idea of cloning. Said he was spread to thin, could use another one of him around the place. He seemed a bit suspicious of why I wanted him as prototype. Thought maybe I was hitting on him. Maybe... no. Bounty hunter types too flighty. Then again...

Day 3650

Master has now asked me to hire bounty hunter type to kill hot senator from Naboo. Not sure why, such a little cutie. Oh well, orders are orders...

Day 3651

Apparently assassin hired assassin to do the assassinating for the assassin then assassinated the assassin. Wow, that's redundant

Day 3658

Had run-in with deceased apprentice's apprentice. What's the deal with the beard? Does he even know he has crumbs in it. Tried to reason with Pretty Boy, but he got all huffy. Made fun of my name. Hmmph. Will kick his ass later.

Day 3659

Buff bounty hunter is in a very pissy mood today. Said I don't pay enough attention to him. Well excuse me! Just a little busy trying to bring down the Republic and destroy the Jedi Order. Hmm... maybe should clone self, too. Gunray also in a pissy mood, but then he's always in a pissy mood. Said I don't care about his needs. At first thought maybe he was hitting on me until he went off about the Naboo hottie. Maybe... no.

Day 3660

Still trying to sort out why I have this stupid name. Dooku. It's not even scary.

Note to self: murder parents after finishing off Pretty Boy Jedi, his apprentice and apprentice's girlfriend.

Day 3661

In attempt to cheer up buff bounty hunter and to shut up Neimoidian doo doo heads, am going to have them eaten by big monster things. Am selling tickets for it, too. Maybe then I will be able to afford better dental plan. Have seen pictures of the last guy... No thank you!

Day 3662

Mace showed up and threatened buff bounty hunter. He's too tense. He needs to get laid. Then the entire Jedi Order crashed party. Am quite miffed. In response, have stolen Yoda's donuts. Time to make the donuts, bitch!

Day 3663

Am quite sore today. Got ass royally whipped by little green booger man. If he wasn't such a donut hog, none of this crap would have happened in the first place. On the plus side, sliced up Pretty Boy Junior's arm. Whoo hoo! That's what you get for making fun of my name! All in all, still a good day. Master seems pleased with the plans for Giant Donut Hole.


	5. The Secret Journal of Jango Fett

Day One

So very busy. There just isn't enough me to go around.

Day Two

Have been approached by disgruntled old guy with lucrative cloning offer. Not sure if I will take it or not as I am a bit suspect of him. He smells too much like donuts. At first thought maybe he was hitting on me. Maybe... no. Jedi types, even former Jedi types too bloody uptight.

Day 1780

Damn, I'm sexy. Would you just look at all the sexy me's!

Day 1784

Have been given a clone that is approximately ½ my size. I shall call him... Mini-Me!

Day 1785

It has been brought to my attention that Mini-Me is a bit egotistical and has already been taken. Do not wish to infringe on copyrights. Will name him Boba instead.

Day 3650

Old Donut reeking former Jedi with the stupid name has contacted me with new job. Have been hired to kill foxy chick from Naboo. Not sure why. She's so cute. Anyhow, need the money to pay for new transmission, but would hate to miss Wookie Smackdown, so have hired equally foxy assassin to assassinate target. Wow, that's redundant.

Day 3651

Foxy fouled up. Dammit, cannot miss Wookie Smackdown. Don't want Mini-Me... I mean Boba to think I'm some sort of neglectful parent. Am good Dad. So I kill people and allow self to be cloned for massive army. That doesn't make me a bad guy! Oh wait...

Day 3652

Am giving Foxy another chance. Told her if she gets it right this time, will take her for Superman style ride across town. Perhaps this will lead to snuggles.

Wookie Smackdown kicked ass. Would have been perfect if now for incessant beeping behind me. Afterwards, took Boba for frosties. Saw Foxy snuggling with Pretty Boy and younger Pretty Boy. Hmmph. Tried to kill Pretty Boy Junior for trying to make nice with possible girlfriend. Accidentally assassinated assassin. Assassinated assassin... I have a headache...

Day 3654

Was taken aback when Pretty Boy showed up at door. At first thought maybe he had come for snuggles, but no. Wanted to know about clones. Told him the original was far superior. Told me to screw myself. Pointed out that I already had until he clarified. Hmmph, not interested anyways. Well... maybe if he cleaned out beard crumbs.

Day 3655

Pretty Boy got all huffy and attacked me. I think he wanted to steal my cool darts. Broke my favorite jet pack. Will swear revenge.

Day 3657

Pretty Boy just doesn't know when to quit. I think I may have a stalker. Kicked his ass good! Whoo hoo!

Day 3658

Disgruntled Old Guy With Stupid Name being all uptight. Apparently Pretty Boy made fun of his name. Silently agreed with Pretty Boy. It is a stupid name. Tried to get him to relax but he got all huffy. Told him he was being a little bitch and didn't respect my needs. Even former Jedis are so damn uptight!

Day 3659

Count Dorku... I mean Dooku is throwing big party with Pretty Boy, Pretty Boy Junior, and Pretty Boy Junior's girlfriend getting eaten as main attraction. Told him to sell tickets. Then maybe he can afford better dental plan. His teeth are starting to go sour.

Day 3660

Jedi crashed party. Would have let them come if they would just buy tickets like everyone else, but nooo... Big guy with weird purple lightsaber made a scene. He's too tense. I think maybe he needs to get laid. Then he threatened me with lightsaber. Have had it. Will now kick his ass.

Day 3661

Killed by overly tense Jedi. Am told Mini-Me... Boba has sworn revenge.


	6. The Secret Journal of ObiWan Kenobi

Day One

Master Yoda has been in a foul mood all day. Claims someone stole his cane. Little green booger man probably just lost it and doesn't want to admit it. Like how he tired to claim Jedi could not love until cause he got dumped.

Day Two

Had an excellent breakfast. How I love my frosted flakes!

Day Three

People keep snickering when I walk by. Don't know why. It's not like I walked out of my room with no pants like I heard Dooku did once. Wonder if perhaps that is why he left Order.

Day Four

Have been asked to act as bodyguard with apprentice. People are tying to kill Padme. I can't figure out why, seeing how she's so cute. I tried to act all manly to impress Padme, but Anakin kept cutting me off. Was I such a little prick when I was still a padawan? Then he would stare at me. Not sure why.

Day Five

Equally hot chick tried to kill Padme today. Went through wild goose chase through Corsucant. Now remember why padawan failed drivers ed three times. After that ride, desperately needed a shot. Little dude tried to sell me death sticks. At first I though he meant... No, probably not... Then again... No. Then had to slice off hot chicks arm when she tried to yoink my shot. Tried to apologize and get her phone number before rocket man killed her. Hmmph. Will swear revenge.

Day Six

Have been sent on mission to track down the assassin of the assassin who tried assassinating Padme. Wow, that's redundant. Anyhow, suspect Windu wanted more darts more than answer to source behind threat on Naboo hottie's life.

Day Six

For some reason, Council is sending Anakin alone with Padme back home. Why do I get the feeling this will result in more pathetic life forms?

Day Seven

Wonder if perhaps should have just gone to AAA to get new map instead of putting up with snooty librarian and giving Yoda another chance to act like he's such hot poodoo. For some reason, small children kept pointing and laughing at me. Kids.

Day Eight

Would have been happier if someone had told me in advance that Kamino is the surfing capital of the galaxy? I could have brought by surfboard.

Day Nine

Why is a massive clone army being raised without my knowing about it? I probably would have caught on to it if not forced to watch All My Jawas with Yoda every friggen day. And why is this army being based on the genes of a bounty hunter, albeit a buff one? I think perhaps an army bases on foxy former master would have been better.

Day Ten

Talked to the origin of the clones for a bit. At first I thought he wanted snuggles since he said it was always a pleasure to meet a Jedi, but no. Maybe... No. Bounty hunter types too flighty anyways.

Day Eleven

Was it just me or was Windu looking at me with a little too much interest when I called him?

Tried to ask Jango about getting a set of clones for Luminara Unduli's birthday party, but he got all huffy and started shooting at me. Am getting close to having had it.

Day Twelve

Got captured by jerk ugly bug people and Jango when I stopped off for gas. I wonder if perhaps I have a stalker.

Day Thirteen

Dorku... I mean Dooku tried to convince me to join him on his campaign. Promised me donuts. I would have been interested if I couldn't stop laughing at his name. I think I might have pissed him off.

Day Fourteen

Yes, definitely pissed him off. He's going to feed me and apprentice and apprentice's girlfriend to big monster things. That's it. Have had it. Will kick his ass good.

Day Fifteen

Nearly gotten eaten by the big monster things today. Speared one! Whoo hoo! According to Anakin, I had an 'oh poodoo' look on my face, but I think he was just trying to make himself look all manly again. Ever since Padme made out with him, he thinks he's hot poodoo. Anyhow, it got ugly, but Windu crashed with entire Jedi Order. Count 'I Have A Stupid Name' threw a fit and stole Yoda's donuts. That was a mistake. No one steals Yoda's donuts.

Went after him and got ass royally whipped. Luckily, Yoda was on major sugar buzz and wiped the floor with his Corsucant Crème filching ass. Snatched one before he got away. Whoo hoo!

Day Sixteen

Yoda still pissed off. Told me he knew it was me who stole one of his donuts. Tried to blame it on the one armed man, but he said. 'Liar, you are Master Kenobi. Have sprinkles in your beard you do.

Why don't people tell me these things? If this keeps up, will move to Tatooine and become grizzled old hermit.


	7. The Secret Journal of Palpatine

Day One  
  
Am quite miffed. Lost apprentice to smart mouthed pretty boy Jedi.  
On the plus side, can use credits to purchase a swivelly chair. Cannot be a true badass without a swivelly chair!  
  
Day Four  
  
Whoo hoo! New swivelly chair I got off of EWOKbay came! It cost a pretty penny. Had to use entire dental plan fund to pay for it. OH well.  
  
Day 37  
  
Have found potential new replacement for Maul, but not sure if he will take job. He seems worried about the lack of dental plan.  
  
Day 40  
  
Have successfully ensnared former Jedi to the clutches of the dark side. Have promised him donuts. Am thrilled. Will celebrate by spinning around in nifty swivelly chair.  
  
Day 41  
  
Sick... as... a... dog...  
  
Day 500  
  
Have decided to raise massive clone army as part of plan to take over Republic and destroy the Jedi. Have decided to use buff bounty hunter as prototype. Dooku suggested use of former deceased apprentice's genes, but said no. I'm sorry, but I just don't like his beard.  
  
Day 501  
  
Okay, who is the wise ass who put all my underwear in the freezer? And why is my robe covered in mustard? Now I must send apprentice to cleaners again. Am miffed. Will swear revenge.  
  
Day 978  
  
Am getting close to having had it. Entire lair now fricken reeks of donuts. Have sent apprentice to start civil war to get him out of here before the smell nauseates me into no longer liking donuts or killing him.  
  
Day 3649  
  
Am beginning to regret civil war idea. Stupid Gunray is being a whiny little bitch. Says he won't join unless someone kills Padme. Not sure why he wants to kill her. She's so cute.  
  
Day 3651  
  
Very happy today. Stupid little green booger man has been stomping about town whining about having lost his cane. Like he actually needs it. He probably just left it as Coruscant Creme again. Hmmph. I still remember the last time I was there. I was ahead of him in line and he kept poking me with his stupid little stick. Glad he can't find his cane! Am now feeling sour. Will amuse self by spinning around in swivelly chair. Whee!  
  
Day 3652  
  
Am sick as a dog again. Should not spin so much and so fast... but chair is so much fun!  
  
Day 3655  
  
Had meeting with Padme and Jedi. Did not actually give a rat's ass about the attempts on her life for obvious reasons. I just wanted to show off my swivelly chair. Yoda was so jealous. I could tell. Mace was being a big downer. I think he needs to get laid or something. Hope he doesn't. He thinks he's such a badass, but he's not!  
  
Day 3657  
  
Assassin hired by assassin to assassinate Padme was assassinated. Wow, that's redundant. I knew subcontracting was a bad idea!  
  
Day 3658  
  
Met with Pretty Boy Junior today. He wanted me to help convince Padme to go to Naboo with him for her own 'protection.' Yeah, right, that's what he wants to take her there for. Agreed to help cause it works with my plan and he complimented my cool chair.  
  
Day 3659  
  
Does Kenobi even know he has frosted flakes in his beard? He thinks he's such hot poodoo ever since he grew a beard but he doesn't take care of it. Will not tell him. Ha!  
  
Day 3661  
  
Apparently I have been granted special permanent emergency powers. I only found this out when an aid whispered it in my ear. Can't understand a damn word Binks says. Perhaps should send Amidala a thank you note for letting him in the Senate. Not such a bad idea after all.  
  
Day 3662  
  
Pretty Boy Junior is missing. I bet I know where he is and what he's doing.  
  
Day 3664  
  
Dorku, I mean Dooku bitching about the lack of dental plan again. Wants to know why he doesn't have one. Will not tell him about swivelly chair. Have had it. Told him if he wants dental plan will have to raise the money himself.  
  
Day 3665  
  
Am hungry. Will have apprentice pick up donuts on the way back.  
  
Day 3666  
  
My apprentice is an idiot. He tried to take _Yoda's_ donuts. No one takes Yoda's donuts. Even I know better. He deserved to get his ass royally whipped by the little green booger man. On the plus side, plans for ulimate weapon arrived. It took a long time to explain to Dooku it was _not_ a giant donut hole.  
  
Day 3667  
  
Kenobi throwing a fit. Pretty Boy Junior and Padme missing again. Like he doesn't know what they're doing. Or maybe he does know and is just jealous. Jedi. So uptight. Have sent Skywalker a swivelly chair of his own. Used dental plan money again. God, I love being a badass!


	8. The Secret Journal of Padme Amidala

Day One

Corde has been in my closet again! It was bad enough when Rabe fricken raided my closet. Don't these people have their own clothes?

Day Two

I chased Corde all the way to Corsucant. Just when I was ready to board and lay the Smackdown, the ship blew up. I guess Corde's excessive theft of my clothing finally caught up with her. Karma.

Day Three

Had a stupid meeting with stupid Chancellor in his stupid office with the stupid Jedi. I wanted to go shopping to replace all the clothes my handmaidens ripped off, but nooo... Somehow I get the impression that he didn't real care that people were trying to kill me. I think he just wanted to show off his swivelly chair. Hmmph. My throne back when I was queen was way cooler.

Day Four

Yoda dragged me shopping with him. I thought we were going to go someplace cool like the Republic Banana, but all he wanted to do was find a chair. He kept muttering something about being more of a badass than the chancellor. He picked up this floaty chair that was too small for his butt and got stuck! Ha!

Day Five

Have agreed to let Jedi act as bodyguards. Will someone please tell me at what point little Ani turned into such a stud? I did not say that. And does Kenobi know he still has his breakfast on his face?

Day Six

Some chick tried to kill me last night. Not sure why. I'm so cute! Hmmph could hear Ani mumbling something about her being hot. I'm way hotter and not dead, so there.

Day Six

This is getting ridiculous. Palpatine told me I should go back to Naboo with Ani. I don't want to miss the vote of Wookie Smackdown. Well, at least he's trying to set me up with someone nice this time. I was not amused back when I first got elected as queen and he kept trying to push this tattooed reject on me. As if!

Day Seven

Forget wallet in office so we had to take the bus back to Naboo. Ick. It's sooo pedestrian. Ani kept asking me if I wanted to see his lightsaber. Told him I'd seen them before and was not impressed. Then he told me I'd like the way he handled it. What is it with guys and their lightsabers?

Day Eight

Am back on Naboo. Sister was being way annoying. I now remember why I threw myself into work. She kept batting her eyes at Ani. Doesn't she know he's MY man? I did not say that. Spent the better part of the day trying to get the quarters some idiot shoved into R2D2.

Day Nine

Went for a nice walk with Ani. Showed him this kick ass lake. Did not tell him about this one time I went swimming with handmaidens and royal guard. Did not want to give him ideas. He kept giving me these looks. God, when did he get hot? Couldn't help myself and sort of made out with him. That had better have been his lightsaber I felt.

Day Ten

Ani took me to Tatooine. I think he wanted to rub in the fact that he made out with cute little me to all the people who picked on him when he was a slave... and something about rescuing his mom. Why the Jedi just left her there I'll never guess. Stupid Jedi. So uptight. Especially that Mace guy... Mr. 'I'm sure Dooku isn't trying to kill you' should take a look at my broken window. Maybe he wouldn't be such a jerk if he would just get laid.

Day Eleven

It has been a lousy day. Felt bad for Ani so felt him up. I don't know if that helped any.

Day Twelve

Kenobi got his Frosted ass captured. I insisted we go rescue him despite what the stupid council said. Ani was all for it. I was impressed.

How did that Prissy droid get on board? R2 insists it's my fault, but I certainly didn't put the little whiner on board. Ani denies it, too. What the hell?

Day Thirteen

Now some stupid bug people captured us. Am getting close to having had it. Jango keeps pacing outside of the cell muttering about snuggles. He is pretty sexy... I did not say that. Bastard assassin hired assassin to assassinate me... Wow, that's redundant. Still... no... Maybe... Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...

Day Fourteen

The guy with the stupid name is going to have us fed to big monster things and Gunray stole my Republic Banana charge card. Have had it. Will kick his ass.

Day Fifteen

Laid the Smackdown today. Like I was just going to sit there and wait for Pretty Boy and Pretty Boy Junior rescue me. Broke free and killed a lot of ugly things. Then entire Jedi Order finally got off their butts and crashed the 'Kill Cute Little Me' party. The guy with the stupid name threw a fit and stole Yoda's donuts. What, is he an idiot or something? No one takes Yoda's donuts. So of course he got his ass royally whipped. Count Dorku cut off poor Ani's arm. Will swear revenge.

Day Sixteen

Finally realized that Ani meant by showing me his lightsaber. Was impressed. Repeatedly.


	9. The Secret Journal of Zam Wesell

Day One

Am running low on funds. Knew blowing all my funds on veils was a bad idea! Should have gone with swivelly chair. Perhaps it is not too late.

Day Two

Is too late. Went back to EWOKbay to see some guy with the handle $itHbA$$ had outbid me. Must come up with serious cash fast.

Day Three

Have put out ad in HoloNet News. Hottie Assassin For Hire. Was that a bit much. Not always hot. Actually more cute, really.

Day Four

Whoo hoo! Have had response to ad. Swivelly chair will be mine!

Day Five

Very annoyed today. Annoying little green booger man kept poking me in the rear with cane. As assassinating without a clear line of escape is a poor idea, I let the little troll live. That and I remember him from last week's Wookie Grudgematch when someone tried to steal his donuts. Get the impression no one takes his donuts. Am not in the mood to be hanging from the nearest hangar by the underwear.

Day Six

Would someone tell me how the little green booger man's cane got on top the roof of the Senate building?

Day Seven

Have finally met new employer. I find it quite redundant that I am being hired by an assassin to do the assassinating. Perhaps there is not enough of him to go around.

Day Eight

Buff bounty hunter had agreed to officially hire me! Whoo hoo! Have been told to assassinate cute senator. Note sure why. She's so cute. Wait, she's too cute. She might be cuter than me. Hmmph. Will swear revenge. Will be cutest in galaxy!

Day Nine

Overly cute senator coming to Corsucant tomorrow. Better get this done right the first time. Wish to be cutest in the galaxy, but also wish not to miss Wookie Smackdown. Cannot blow it.

Day Ten

Have blown it. Mistook closet raiding senatorial wannabe for Padme. And used my good explosives, too! Am getting close to having had it.

Day Eleven

Am trailing mark. Watched meeting between mark, chancellor, and Jedi. Stupid Jedi. Think they all such poodoo cause they can kill stuff with shiny sticks, especially that stupid little green one. Thought chancellor had a nifty swivelly chair. Looks just like the one I was trying to bid for.

Day Twelve

Have followed mark to new quarters. Was surprised to see two Jedi there. Older one quite hot. Would give right arm for a piece of that. If only he would get the cereal out of his beard and I'd seriously consider it seeing how buff bounty hunter is being all flighty. Younger one kept asking senator if she'd like to touch his lightsaber. Could not stop laughing.

Day Thirteen

Buff bounty hunter not thrilled that I haven't killed supposedly cute senator. Told me to do it tonight. Told him I had no intention of missing Wookie Smackdown. Then he promised me Superman style ride across town. Agreed to it because am eager anticipating feel off buff biceps. Gave me caterpillars to assassinate with. Thought high powered rife fired from the records depository more practical, but okay...

Day Fourteen

Got chased by Pretty Boy and Pretty Boy Junior. Remember what I said about giving right arm for a piece of that? Didn't mean it! Idiot pretty boy sliced it off right when I approached him to tell him about the Frosted Flakes. They can just stay there now. Ha!

Day Fifteen.

Was killed by buff bounty hunter. Wonder if he was just jealous cause Pretty Boy paid more attention to me or cause he's a lousy shot. Would swear revenge if not for the whole being dead thing.

Cutest 

**in galaxy**


	10. The Secret Journal of Boba Fett

Day One  
  
Am quite bored. Nothing to do other than try to figure out which me is which me.  
  
Day Two  
  
Have been amusing self by crank calling Taun We and calling him a giant Q-Tip. Wow, I'm clever!  
  
Day Three  
  
Why does Dad keep insisting on calling me Mini-Me. My name is Boba and I'm a person. Oh wait... now I get it.  
  
Day Four  
  
Wanted to chat on NaboOnline, but no! Dad's stupid potential new girlfriend kept tying it up trying to bid on some stupid chair. It would be smarter to just go to Wal-Mart and buy one, but no one listens to me or any of the other me's. Am getting close to having had it.  
  
Day Five  
  
Dad promised to take me to Wookie Smackdown and ice cream if I wear a T-shirt that says Mini-Me on it. Dad has some serious mental issues if you ask me.  
  
Day Six  
  
Stupid potential new girlfriend of Dad tattled on me for the whole Taun We/Q-Tip thing. Have had it. Will swear revenge.  
  
Day Seven  
  
Saw Wookie Smackdown. It was great except this gumball machine ate like six of my quarters.  
  
Day Eight  
  
Dad accidentally killed potential new girlfriend today instead some Jedi upstart. Wonder if it had anything to do with me repeatedly dropping the sights off the roof all afternoon? Oh well.  
  
Day Nine  
  
Am quite miffed today. Came to room to find all my drawers filled with Q-Tips. I know it was Taun We. Will kick his ass later.  
  
Day Ten  
  
Dad acting very strangely today. Brought in three of the grown up clones and made them try on clothes and kept saying, 'Damn, look at all the sexy me's!' then he spent three hours fussing with his hair muttered something about snuggles. Yes, my dad has some very serious mental issues.  
  
Day Eleven  
  
Dad's new potential boyfriend is apparently a very tempermental, unkempt, little, Pretty Boy stalker type. He thinks he's such hot poodoo because he grows face hair. Maybe he would be if he would comb the cereal out of his beard. I could see it from the ship.  
  
Day Twelve  
  
Am now on a really stupid planet of bug people. Am even more bored than I was on Kamino. At least there I could play on my boogy board.  
  
Day Thirteen  
  
Was visited during the night by aged hippie type ghost. He encouranged me to steal the disgruntled former Jedi with the stupid name's donuts and hide them in Gunray's room. If I did it, he promised me I could keep one and would be very entertained in the morning. Was bored and hungry anyway, so agreed.  
  
Day Fourteen  
  
Hippie ghost kicks ass. Count Dorku... I mean Dooku Force-Wedgied the stupid lizard man from a chandelier.  
  
Day Fifteen  
  
Am going to watch Pretty Boy Stalker, Pretty Boy Junior, and Pretty Junior's girlfriend get eaten by big monster things. Dad sold tickets so new older boyfriend guy could get some dental work done. I get the whole kill the Jedi thing, but I don't understand why kill the senator. If I liked girls yet, I'd say she was so cute.  
  
Day Sixteen  
  
Bad day today. Started off good. Was amused to see a little green booger man go postal over apparent donut theft. No one takes the little green booger man's donuts, methinks. But then Stupid Jedi Who Can't Get Laid killed my dad. Then to make it all worse, a gumball machine ran over my foot. Will once again swear revenge.  
  
Day Seventeen  
  
Have decided to put off revenge until am tall enough to see over the dashboard to smite my enemies.


	11. The Secret Journal of Nute Gunray

Day One

Have decided to run for reelection. Campaign people think it's a bad idea. Something about me trying to take over a planet and getting the outsmarted by an overly cute 14 year old ten years ago destroying my credibility.

Day 40

Election going well, even if other guy overly popular with tree hugger types.

Day 53

Election hit a snag. First I was reported as the winner, but one sectors votes were counted funny, so other guy's consession was withdrawn. Will ask brother who is governor in the area if there is anything he can do.

Day 55

Am Viceroy still! Whoo hoo!

Day 60

Republic trying to get votes recounted. Am getting close to having had it.

Day 63

At first I was afraid I was pertrified. Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how Sidious did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along.

And so he's back from outer space. I just turned on my holo projector to see him with that sad look upon his face. I should have changed that stupid number. I should have made the machine take a message if I'd known for just one second he'd be back to bother me. Oh now go, end the tranmission! Just turn it off now cuz he's not welcome anymore. Wasn't he the one who tried to hurt me with good-bye. He'd think I'd crumble? He'd think I'd lay down and die? Oh no! Not I! I will survive! Oh as long as I know how to intimidate I know I'll stay alive! I've got all my life to live and i've got all my droids to give! I'll survive! I will survive! Hey hey!

Day 64

Have changed my mind. Have been promised a Corsucant Creme franchise.

Day 66

Rune being a little bitch. Kept laughing at me and pointing out how I was beaten by two little kids the last time. Didn't mind that, but did he have to point out that I'm an ugly toad man when he's just as ugly? Have had it. Will refuse to join Seperatists until someone gives me a makeover and kills stupid Senator chick.

Day 68

Have heard first attempt has failed. I knew subcontracting was a bad idea, but does anyone listen to me? Nooo!

Day 70

Second attempt has failed. Does Sidious just hire morons who don't use common sense? Wait a minute... Why was I brought in?

Day 72

Padme has fallen out of sight. I don't think she went into hiding. I mean come on, she's hanging out with a younger man and she's a politician. Yeah, and the Jedi think he's 'protecting' her. Are these people so stupid they can't really figure out what's going on?

Day 73

Disgruntled former Jedi with the stupid name keeps grumbling and muttering something about killing his parents. I think the Pretty Boy he captured made fun of his name. I would too, but am fearful of Force Wedgies. Still remember when Darth Maul kept using the Force to give me Force Wedgies for a full day when I pointed out that Jawas has called him shorty on Tatooine.

Day 74

Oh, that nice little clone boy gave me a box of donuts. What a little sweetheart!

Day 75

Have been hung from the dignatary box via Force Wedgie. Apparently donuts belonged to Count Dorku... I mean, Dooku. Have had it. Will swear revenge. Will kick little clone's ass good later.

Day 76

Ha ha, little Senator who thinks she's cuter than me and Pretty Boy Junior have been captured. Dooku is going to sell tickets to an arena execution to pay for bridge work. I personally think this is a really dumb. A blaster in a hotel off planet would be a lot smarters. Hasn't he read the list of things an evil overlord should and shouldn't do? After last time, I've memorized the damn thing.

Day 77

Got asses royally whipped by Jedi. Because he wasn't able to get his fix thanks to little clone twit's prank, Dooku went and stole little green booger man's donuts. No one takes Yoda's donuts. It's official. I am surrounded by idiots. I should have never made this bargain. Wait... Oh damn!

Day 79

Have gotten my revenge. Taped honeymoon of Stupid Senator and Pretty Boy Junior and am auctioning it off on EWOKbay. Padme seemed terrible impressed by Jedi Upstart's lightsaber.


	12. The Secret Journal of Jar Jar

Day One

So bored. Am tired of being glorified office assistant. Think mebbe it is because I'm not as cute as Padme. Hmmph. Am too cute.

Day Two

Made up a song.

Who's that Gungan senator that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

Me!

You're damn right.

Bail Organa heard me singing and pointed at laughed at me. Will swear revenge. Stupid pasty man with stupid granola on mustache. Oh wait, that is supposed to be his mustache.

Day Four

How did Mace Windu's little black book get into my room? Heh, it's mine now!

Day Six

Yesterday I called one of the numbers from the book and managed to get a date with some hot chick from Naboo. Told her I was from Naboo too and held a position of power and had special anatomical powers. She seemed impressed. Repeatedly. She's coming to Corsucant tomorrow. On the down side, she kept complaining about having nothing to wear. Bit back saying 'nothing'. Told her just to grab anything and get over here.

Day Seven

Very sad today. Hot date dead. Perhaps is best. She seemed to have mental issues involving shoplifting and theft from Padme. Like I'd want anyone who looked like Padme. Padme, Padme, Padme. It's always about her!

Day Eight

Got left out of a meeting... again! And I really wanted to check out the Supreme Chancellor's new chair. He sent me about fifty messages about it. Big deal. So he's got a swivelly chair! I've got a six foot long tongue. Which one is going to impress the ladies more, I wonder.

Day Nine

Padme dropped by my place univited. Again. Then she brought over the Jedi. Was so distracted by the crumbs in Kenobi's beard, I forgot to try and kick Padme out. I had invited another chick from the black book over to take to Wookie Smackdown, then bring back over to watch 'Sleepless in Serreno'. Chicks dig that movie. Was not amused to have to listen to not so little Ani and Kenobi have a little contest over which one could be the most overly protective.

Day Ten

Even worse day today. Turns out next hot date got killed on the way to see Wookie Smackdown with me. Am getting close to having had it. On top of it all, she was an assassin apparently hired by another assassin to assassinate Padme. Wow, that's redundant. Should I be upset or happy? Hmm, it would have been so cool to date a hottie assassin for hire.

Day Eleven

Pretty Boy kept complaining about how he lost some planet. What, does the Jedi Archives have the only map of the galaxy? He could have just checked the glove compartment.

Day Twelve

Pretty Boy Junior left with Stupid Senator for fling in Naboo. Yeah, I'm so sure it was for her own protection. Wonder if she's seen his lightsaber yet?

Day Thirteen

Have been asked to present a motion to grant Palpatine special powers. Now it's Jar Jar's time to shine!

-later-

Got so nervous, kept messing up my speech. Got better though, standing ovation and everything. Take that, Miss Padme! Who's cute now, hmm?

Day Fourteen

Stupid Senator, Pretty Boy, and Pretty Boy Junior went and got themselves captured and stole my thunder. So now the entire Jedi Council is off to rescue them. Seems a bit much for just three people. I tried to take one of Yoda's donuts, but then he used the Force to tie my tongue around a flagpole. Apparently, no one takes Yoda's donuts.

Day Fifteen

Stupid senator off with Jedi upstart. Of course did not get an invite to the wedding, but am bidding on the honeymoon tape. Will have revenge! Repeatedly!


	13. The Secret Journal of C3P0

Day One

I hate the desert. Nothing but sand. Sand, sand, and more sand. I hate sand. Gets into bloody everything.

Day Three

Stupid sand people came by again. Hate sand and anything with the word sand in it. Sand people just as annoying as actual sand. Kept trying to sell me Amway. Told them to piss off.

Day Four

Found bucket's worth of sand poured all over living room. This was no accident. Stupid Cliegg made me clean up the mess. Was forced to miss 'All My Jawas.' Am getting close to having had it.

Day Five

Damn sand people with their damn Amway came by again. They made me an offer I refused. I like the Jawas better. When they over solicit, can drop kick them to Bespin. Tuskens much too heavy. Must be from all the donuts they consume.

Day Six

Backyard vanadalized. Spent better part of the day scraping paint off the walls. Not only did I get a ton of sand in my circuitry, but once again missed 'All Me Jawas.' Will find this vandal piece of poodoo. Will lay smackdown.

Day Seven

Wore Shmi's clothes today despite odd looks from Owen. Was tired of getting sand in circuity. Looks better on my than her. Anyhow, Owen was looking at me for a little too long. Hmm, perhaps Beru holding out on him again for making fun when she slipped and fell from the vandal paint, but it's all just a little disconcerting for me. I may be wearing women's clothes, but I am not gay! Why does everyone think I'm gay?

Day Eight

It was those damn sand people! Stupid, immature, donkey voiced, fauly product hocking, poodoo brains! Caught them pouring sugar into Owen's swoop bike gas tank. Have had it. Will swear revenge! Will go to villiage. Will blow up donut hut!

Day Nine

Because I had still been wearing Shmi's clothes at the time, sand people mistook her for me as the donut destroyer. So they kidnapped her and are likely inflicting unspeakable tortures on her as I type. Oops.

Day 39

The creator has returned! I'm going to so not mention the whole clothing and donut blowing up event. Am not an idiot.

Day 40

Creator kept asking the very cute Padme if she wanted to see his lightsaber. Repeatedly. How come he didn't ask me? I did not say that.

Day 41

On the downside, Shmi died. On the upside, stupid sand people also dead.

Day 43

For fear of the cross dressing incident coming into public light, have opted to leave stupid sand planet with creator and hot senator. Have been forced to room with foul-mouthed gumball machine.

Day 44

Stupid gumball machine pushed me off ledge today. Was only making casual remarks about robotics. He thought I was hitting on him. As if? Stupid little thing jangles all the time like he's been stuffed with quarters. Have been given new body. Kind of nice, but a little rickety. Hope no sand gets into it.

Day 45

Had head knocked off. Then pissy gumball machine dragged me through a warzone. I tried to say thank you, but he told me to piss off. Little gumball machine needs to get laid. Was amused to see little green booger man throw a fit when his donuts were stolen. Apparently no one takes his donuts either.

Day 46

Was invited to creator's wedding, but found self stuffed into storage container by whiny gumball machine during the reception. Will swear revenge. Will latch self on to gumball machine and insult him and whine for the next 22 years.


End file.
